Here's where I muse, I knit, I crochet, I quilt, I rant, I rave, I carry on about the world in general. My patterns and notes on patterns will appear on Knit Knack Patty Shack.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

New Year, New Me, New Stuff

I caught sight of the date the other day and I reminded that a year ago my heart was broken. I remember thinking that life couldn't continue, that I would never breathe again, much less live without thr man who had brought me form the ashes.

But, as each day presented itslef, alive and bold and new, I began to breathe again. I began to take stock of the damage and take responsibility for my part. What semed like an impossible mess suddenly became just a disorganized desk full of years of stuff. It wasn't enough just to say to myself "I need to clean this up". It became a process of sytematically going through things until I came to a stopping point in each pile. Then, I had to deal with the pain. And that meant going through things that had been buiried so deep that even I was unsure of how they would turn out. It meant facing myslef headlong in the mirror and letting the layers of pain peel off.

Some came off easily and others I had to cut away, but with each new layer there was this girl whom I had lost. She had become so burdened and downtrodden that her eyes were full of sorrow. I expected them to be full of pain, but I found sorrow. And as I looked around at the layers of skin laying of the floor, I realized why she was so sad.

She had been withhled from growing. She never reached her true potential because I kept layering stuff on her thinking I was protecting her form the world, but all I managed to do was hardened the softest part of her.

She does well these days -- she and I both-- and together we are reuniting and rediscovering the woman we were meant to be.

Through this journey so far, we have learned to knit, learned to be kinder, learned to cook deer roast and awesome chili, and written notes on what we hope to be our first message.

And through it all, Ray has stuck beside us. We believe he may have found a bit of himself along the way.

All in all, this year is better than any year we've had yet. Our relationship--both mine and Ray's and mine and the younger me--has blossomed, not yet into a full flower--for it is still winter--but into a bud that shows promise and hope.

Join us all as we journey through another eventful year!



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