Here's where I muse, I knit, I crochet, I quilt, I rant, I rave, I carry on about the world in general. My patterns and notes on patterns will appear on Knit Knack Patty Shack.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

The Love Dare: Day 4

Love is thoughtful

So today's challenge is to call my spouse and see if there's anything he needs me to do. I did and he said nothing. So I did the laundry--well, one load so far--since that was his chore when he was here.

It's been almost a week without him and it's not so bad now. I guess it's routine for him to come over, tuck the kids in, me to ask for nookie, him to say no, and then he leaves. Everyday, same as before. Nothing new I guess.

I followed through on my Day 3 challenge quite well today. I got a new pattern book yesterday--one that I've been after for at least a year--and I'm finally making the shrug that I want. It is so lovely. The stitching is real easy too. So, I keep myself busy during the day, cook dinner duringthe evening, help put the kids to bed, take a sleeping pill--or pain pill, depends on whether or not I have a migraine or not--, and then I go to bed. Repeat, gargle, rinse. As long as I don't think about being alone tomorrow, I can always get through my day.

I find I've been praying a lot more, too. Which is a plus side for me. I seem to be understanding more about what God want from me.

On the lighter side, somoen either hacked Ray's MySpace or there really was maintenance going on, but either way it went he blamed me. Back in the day, the old me would have been right on that gravy train. But this me, says there's no answer that will change anything that happens.

Words from The Storm by Garth Brooks should better explain this:
A broken jewel box dancer lies in peices down the hall
She's finding out the answers don't change nothing at all
It's time that she stopped searching for who's to blame or what went wrong
The only thing for certain is he's gone, she's got to move on

Anyhooligans, gots to get on with the rest of this day and thaw out some meat for dinner. More later.

Day 4, evening:
Cooked dinner. It was good. Of course it was, I cooked. Hehehe.

Heart broke earlier today. Bear started crying sayin he missed Daddy and that he wanted him to come home. I had to tell him that Daddy still loved him very much and he was gone because Mommy did something bad. Then later he asked me if I was good to Daddy if he would come home. I only reassured him that Daddy loved him and there was nothing Mommy could do about Daddy being gone.

How was I supposed to answer that? You can't exactly explain something as complicated as an emotional affair to a 5 year old. Yeah, I lied to him. I'm innocent in all this, but I won't have him hatin Ray.

Day 4, endnote:
I finally admitted that Ray is my drug and I am addicted and that I can't handle not being able to get high off him. I otld himthis because I was trying to explain how I couldn't keep seeinghima nd not touching him or kissing him or holding him. He looked a little sad. Which made it worse in a way, cause I didn't want him to be sad.

I miss him so much. He says he's making progress with his therapist at work. She thinks a lot like I do, but uses less discretion and just says what she's thinking. he says he's getting through the things in his head. He's coming around to where he needs to be, I guess. I just miss him.

Back tomorrow with Day 5.



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