The Love Dare: Day 16

Love intercedes.

Yes, yes, it does. Today's challenge: Pray for three specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse's life and in your marriage.

These are personal so I won't be listing them here, but it's hard to pray for God to change him. It feels selfish to me. I'm always parting that God will change me, find something in me that needs to be different. This will be a complicated task, but not one I can't achieve. I'll probably leave it open ended, so God has a choice, hehe. But that is copping out.

So I'm off to think long and hard about this one. While you wait for me to come back, know that I am also reading Boundaries in Marriage by doctors Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I picked mine up at Amazon.com.

So far, it's kicking my butt, but picking me up. I have made myself a prisoner in myself and my marriage. So right now, I'm learning what I do and what I don't have the power to control. Good read. I recommend it.

Oh and yes, join me at Twitter.com

Back later, after church.

Day 16, endnote:
So, I did it. Unselfishly. Things that are more beneficial to him than to me, but still I did it. Tonight ends on a pretty good note.

The Love Dare: Day 15

Love is Honorable.

Today's challenge: Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine.

I purged my myspace friends list and changed my status back to married.

The Love Dare: Day 14, repeat

I know, right?

I have to repeat Day 14 because we didn't really spend any time together. But, that problem is solved. We have a date with the PS3 and Little Big Planet tonight! SSSSWWWWEEEETTTT!


Day 14, repeat, midday:
Bored! Have to stop eating Riesens, my jaws hurt. Have a massive migraine, but I'll live. Still crocheting on my shrug. Haven't spoken to him or heard form him. Hope his day is okay. Miss him badly. Back later.

Day 14, repeat, endnote:
I completed my challenge. Never got to play PS3, but did have a fun game of Rummy going. It's not done and I'm winning. I helped him with his laundry, he helped me change the sheets on my bed and flip the mattress.

All in all, it was a nice end to a very gray day.

Back tomorrow.

The Love Dare: Day 14

Love takes delight.

Today's' challenge: purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse.

Well, today's' activity will be crocheting. I will put it away when he comes to see me and not drag it back out until he leaves. Seems fair enough to me. Don't know how well my hands are going to adjust to this, they need something to keep them from fidgeting. I'll get through this though.

Back later.

Day 14, midday:
Battling the quiet and loneliness. I'm in a place where I've never been. Usually whenever one of the cities along my road has been bombed or burned, I leave it be and then discard the pieces when all is said and done. Today, however, I'm rebuilding. I have to go through the pieces, find the ones worth keeping, and discard the ones that will only make the city weak. This is a time consuming and slow process. I've never done this before. It's all brand new territory to me. I am seriously gonna have to seek Daniel's advice on this.

I suppose my biggest fear is that the city will be bombed again. That everything I am working so hard to rebuild will just be burnt back down to the ground. I feel this urgent need to draw into myself and put back up all those shields that protected me for so long. I know that I'm not alone, I just feel. . .cold. Like I can't find my blanket or my slippers. Not so cold that I'm unresponsive, but cold because there's nothing there to warm me.

The rain finally stopped, but the waters are still choppy. I still hear thunder in the distance and occasionally, I see lightning. I'm still holding out for warmer days, though. I've come too far to turn around now. Might as well see where this journey is going to lead me. Lyrics form Third Day's Mountain of God give me hope:

Even though the journey's long,
and I know the road is hard.
Well the one who's gone before me,
He will help me carry on.
And after all that I've been through,
now I realize the truth
that I must go through the valley
to stand upon the Mountain of God.

Back later.

Day 14, evening:
Didn't realize how bored I was until I played an hour of Mah Jongg. Called Daniel, he laughed at me. Said dating isn't supposed to end, even when you're married. Guess I really screwed that one up, huh? *sigh* Still trying to get through my day.

Back later.

Day 14, endnote:
Well, failed the challenge,. Have to repeat it tomorrow, but failed it with flying colors! Hehehe

The Love Dare: Day 13

Love fights fair.

Now we're hitting too close to home, here. Today's challenge: talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement and resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs. If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your won personal rules to 'fight' by.

I'm not gonna list them all here, but the gist of this is that I have to quit yelling. I also have a really bad habit of bringing up other stuff and I'm vicious and venomous. I do and say things when I'm angry that I wouldn't normally do under other circumstances. Not good. I've got to learn to move on and quit holding on to all the bad stuff.

Think I'll be goin alone on this one. Don't know that the spouse will be so willing to set up fair 'rules of engagement'.

Back later.

Day 13, midday:
Seems to be some sort of radio silence. I haven't spoke to him. Sent him an email, no response. Tried to call him, got a text message. Hmmm. . .tryin not to feel lonely. Guess I'll just have to crochet some more.

Day 13, endnote:
Day actually perked up at the end, though I'm not allowed to discuss the details because I was asked not to. I can say this much: divorce is no longer on the table. Now, I just have to figure out how to get through the rest of it.

*sigh* Still the waiting game, one day at a time. Back tomorrow.

The Love Dare: Day 12

Love lets the other win.

I new there'd be a bump n this road somewhere along the way. Today's' challenge: willingly choose to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse and tell them you are putting their preference first.

The area I choose to give in to: the Pop-Tart. I am ejecting her out of the toaster, considering her burnt and untasty, and politely throwing her away! I will not be mentioning her again, unless she decides to crawl out of the garbage can, and then who knows what I'll do. . . .but anyhooligans.

BTW, tried for the permit again and got it! YYYYYYYAAAAAAYYYYY! On a sad note, though, I have to find someone to teach me how to drive. :-( (extreme pouting and frustration goin' on here).

I'm off to church. Back later.

Day 12 endnote:
Church was good. Learned a couple of valuable lessons. learned about some things that were my responsibility. All in all, an eye opener. Marriage still in southbound lane, but currently parked on the shoulder. I'm out walkin around, he's still sittin trying to figure out if he's gonna turn the car around or not.

Back tomorrow.

The Love Dare: Day 11

Love cherishes.

Today's challenge: Choose a gesture that says, "I cherish you" and do it with a smile.

I cooked dinner. How's that? Not much for posting today. Lot going on and lot went on. Don't want to rehash it here, but if you want to read all about it you can head over to my MySpace Blog and check out the details, sorta.

Anyhooligans, things are weird here.

Back tomorrow.

The Love Dare: Day 10

Love is unconditional.

Today's challenge: do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse.

I always thought I knew what unconditional love was. The book just proved me wrong. It states--very strongly--that unconditional love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love.

OUCH! Gut puncher, there! So, ladies and gents, I have never loved unconditionally. I have loved based on friendship, sex, and personal qualities. That hurts just to say it, and even more to read it. On those conditions, my marriage was for all the wrong reasons.

*sigh* I'll continue the Dare, because I need to change me. BUT I have to let go of him because he has already let go of me.

So, Ray, I release you. You are free to find true happiness elsewhere.

Heavy hearts still have work to do. Back later.

Day 10, evening:
He seemed to take the news rather well. He agreed to let me get on my feet before he completely let me go. He doesn't seem to happy that I may not always be in Kentucky, but I think he'll get used to it. Pretty soon everything that's happening now will just be a routine for him. I hope he doesn't choose to not to be in another relationship, he's still a wonderful person.

I think the first thing I'm gonna do when I get to drivin' is take a vacation. I so deserve one after all this crap. And maybe someday I'll actually drive myself to the ocean. So many new and hopeful things are on my horizon. Who knew letting go could be a good thing for me? Back later.

Day 10, endnote:
I have completed this challenge all week. Score one for me!

Anyhooligans, the day is done and it's time for bed. So in reflection, what have I learned? The road is hard, the journey is long, but all these things I do to get to the mountain of God. Sounds cheesy and even remotely cliche, but that's what I've learned. I've also learned that sometimes it's just okay to let go and be done with it all.

Back tomorrow with Day 11.

The Love Dare: Day 9

Love make good impressions.

Doesn't it, though? Today's challenge: think of a specific way to greet your spouse that reflects your love for them.

Didn't get to complete this particular challenge until this evening. I called his voicemail again and left him a message saying that I never told him often enough how much help he was to me. I told him that I still loved him, too.

Still a long process. Today has been a busy day, but a good one. Gone 2 loads of dishes left and then I'm done with them. Upkeep isn't nearly as daunting or difficult. Worked on my computer today. Still have to clear off the desk. Hmmm....

I guess that's all for today. Back tomorrow with Day 10.

The Love Dare: Day 8

Love is not jealous.

I am learning this the hard way. Jealousy has been a major factor in destroying my marriage, but not today. Today's challenge: take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed.

Haven't done this yet. It's on the long list that I have for things to do today. Dishes are currently soaking. Living room is clean. Even took the rug outside and swept it out. I have decided to clean and cleanse me and everything around me. All of it won't be done by the end of today, but I've only just begun.

The girl that went to bed angry last night, did not wake up today. I laid her to rest along with every other bad thing I had been carrying around. A new girl got up this morning. A girl who is ready to face her world and this war for love head on. I have finally realized what all this is about. It's easy to talk the talk, but walking it is much more stable and permanent.

A new fire was lit under my little hind end last night. One that had not been there before. I know what I have to do now. This is my marriage and I choose to fight for it. I choose to love.

Back later.

Day 8, evening:
Two loads of dishes down, about four to go. Whiteboard got cleaned and reorganized. I rehung all the stuff I had taken down and put back all the happy things that I remembered about my marriage back on their shelves and back on the walls. Got a load of laundry in. Gotta finish my mammaw's too.

Still looking up. The AHA moment I had last night did me some good. Haven't spoken to him today. Left him two voicemails--without calling his phone, lol--and reminded him both times that I love him. I've played the WOW Worship playlist on my PS3 all day. Still have to straighten up the desk. Don't know how successful that will be. Need to get Isaiah up from his nap.

Haven't completed Day 8 yet. I'm writing down every single negative thought cause once I burn them I want them ALL gone! Don't want them here haunting me, making me tear down the city that I'm trying to rebuild. It's a long painful process, but I'll get through this--with him.

Off to switch laundry over and then crochet. Back later.

Day 8, endnote:
All in all a good day. I didn't expect him to show up until time to tuck Isaiah in--Bear's at a friend's house for the weekend--but he showed up a little after 7. He did most of the talking. I was busy still doin' dishes and laundry. It was easy for us. He even offered to play a game on the PS3 with me and then he realized that the game wasn't 2 player. He offered, though, that's a start. Going to bed here in a few.

I will complete this whole dare. I really will complete something in my life this time.

The Love Dare: Day 7

Love believes the best.

Anyone feel as guilty as I do? Todays' challenge: Get two sheets of paper. On the first, write out positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second. Place both sheets in a secret place. At some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic.

Have not done this yet. Will do it throughout the day. Have a feeling I'm not going to like myself much when I complete the lists. Have a lot of thinking and praying to do.

In other news, I'm going to get my permit today.

More later.

Day 7, midday:
Haven't done this yet. Not sure why. Really anxious, don't want to know what I think.

It seems that I may have caused the apocalyptical end of all things as I know them. Unintentionally, of course. I can't make him happy, no matter what I do. I want him to be the one standing there at the end of my challenge, but will he? Is he willing to wait for me to change? Is he willing to accept that I can change? At least the in-laws aren't taking sides. They just want to make sure that I keep contact open between them and the boys no mater what happens. I can do that.

Anyhooligans, off to get my permit. Wish me luck!

Day 7, evening:
Didn't get the permit. Missed it by one point. It's ok. I'll do it again Wednesday. Got the new specs. Already been complimented--although, it doesn't really count cause they were just teenage boys.

Heart still heavy. Not sure what to do anymore. All I can do is hold onto God. He's all I got anymore. Back later.

Day 7, endnote:
So, I am very troubled to say, that my marriage has ended. It is his decision. I have decided to comply.

I will simply ask for God's peace in this and ask that He heal my broken heart. I will continue the Love Dare up until Day 32--when Day 32 comes, you'll understand why. I intned to change me anyway.

I have been told--and it was pretty wise--that I could complete the dare all I wanted to. What made the difference was whether or not I lived it. So i have a new challenge. To LIVE the LOVE DARE, not just do it! I will do it, too, You--you know who you are--I will live the Love Dare!

Back tomorrow.

The Love Dare: Day 6

Love is not irritable.

Todays' challenge: make a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life. Well, I made this list privately in this actual book (got it yesterday), so I'm not going to post it here. I know the majority of the areas that I have probelms with.

One of those happens to be a very intimate part of myrelationship. I held it as a bargaining chip, as something he had to earn. I realized last night that that was extremely wrong. This oneness between wife and husband is not a reward system, it's a rejeuvenation for the soul. I withheld that from him for so long.

I attempted to fix that in the wee hours of this morning. And though he left a very satisfied customer, something got to him after he got to work and now he feels that it was merely a distraction.

I am hurt. I finally let down a wall, a wall that I've had up since I was a child, and only to have him walk in, take what he wants and then tell me he doesn't want it anymore. Where do I go with this one? How do I not take offense to a part of me that is so vulnerable?

God, help me to understand my position in all this. help to get through this day without giving up on the other days. Help me not to tear down what you have so lovingly built in me and for me. be with him (Ray) today as he works through his distractions.

Back later.

Day 6, midday:
I'm going to ignore that fact that he (Ray) is purposefully trying to hurt me today. If he thinks I am going to retalliate, he's got another thing coming. Pay attention when I say that the old Patty--the vindictive, rude, unappealing, vicious, girl--is dead. A new woman is standing in her place. A woman ready and willing to love, even if she's not loved back.

Got the WOW Worship playin on the PS3. Gonna spend the day just listening to it and crochetin'. I refuse to fight on his level. I can't change him and that's fine. This ain't about him, it's about me. Me and me getting closer to God.

Back later.

Day 6, evening:
Got some bad news from up north in the Natti. Hope all goes well with that. Had to battle some demons today. Mainly depression, but I'll win over it. Gotta find something to make for dinner. I'm still fasting so it's gonna be hard not to sample or east my own wonderful food!

Done a lot of prayin today. Will do more before he night's out. This much I am sure of.

Back later.

Day 6, endnote:
Did something extremely stupid! I gave in! I gave in to the frustration, I gave in to the angst, the anxiety, and I let it all come flooding out. On him, of all people! Stupid, stupid, stupid! I calmed down an apologized. And I asked him if we could just go down the road to fixing this mess together. He said we could.

No, he's not home--yet. As I said before, it is a process. A very slow process that takes time. But at least I know that we are working towards the same goal: us.

Still raining here in my world, but as always, I have hope for a better forecast.

More tomorrow with Day 7.

The Love Dare: Day 5

Love is not Rude

Ahh, geez. Do we have to go there? Challenge for today: ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated simply to gain their perspective.

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Why do I have to do this? I know, I know. It's not just about being rude, it's about humility. Learning to be humble and to accept my faults and change them is an aspect of a healthy marriage.

I cannot complete this dare until after church because I have to sit down with him face to face. This one is going to tougher than Day 3 ever thought about being. I don't know if I'm prepared for what he's going to say. I know that I have to listen and take what he says into consideration.

I know that this whole Love dare is to improve me, not to improve him. So I think about this day with a heavy heart. I'm off to crochet a shrug, and watch cartoons until the baby's naptime. Lift me up, I need it.

Day 5, endnote:
I actually listened and understood him and agreed. Odd. I know. But I completed Day 5 without a hitch.

Best advice I've had all day came from Daniel: don't worry about what I can't control. If I can't control it, I put it in God's hands.

I also started fasting. For those of you who are not familiar with biblical traditions, fasting is giving up something important to you to get in touch with God. I gave up food. I can only drink liquids and eat peppermints. That's it. I'm starving, but no one has died from fasting. I have a major migraine, but that will go away. I don't intend to eat until God moves in my situation. Looks like it's gonna be awhile on my end. It's the waiting game.

More tomorrow with Day 6.

The Love Dare: Day 4

Love is thoughtful

So today's challenge is to call my spouse and see if there's anything he needs me to do. I did and he said nothing. So I did the laundry--well, one load so far--since that was his chore when he was here.

It's been almost a week without him and it's not so bad now. I guess it's routine for him to come over, tuck the kids in, me to ask for nookie, him to say no, and then he leaves. Everyday, same as before. Nothing new I guess.

I followed through on my Day 3 challenge quite well today. I got a new pattern book yesterday--one that I've been after for at least a year--and I'm finally making the shrug that I want. It is so lovely. The stitching is real easy too. So, I keep myself busy during the day, cook dinner duringthe evening, help put the kids to bed, take a sleeping pill--or pain pill, depends on whether or not I have a migraine or not--, and then I go to bed. Repeat, gargle, rinse. As long as I don't think about being alone tomorrow, I can always get through my day.

I find I've been praying a lot more, too. Which is a plus side for me. I seem to be understanding more about what God want from me.

On the lighter side, somoen either hacked Ray's MySpace or there really was maintenance going on, but either way it went he blamed me. Back in the day, the old me would have been right on that gravy train. But this me, says there's no answer that will change anything that happens.

Words from The Storm by Garth Brooks should better explain this:
A broken jewel box dancer lies in peices down the hall
She's finding out the answers don't change nothing at all
It's time that she stopped searching for who's to blame or what went wrong
The only thing for certain is he's gone, she's got to move on

Anyhooligans, gots to get on with the rest of this day and thaw out some meat for dinner. More later.

Day 4, evening:
Cooked dinner. It was good. Of course it was, I cooked. Hehehe.

Heart broke earlier today. Bear started crying sayin he missed Daddy and that he wanted him to come home. I had to tell him that Daddy still loved him very much and he was gone because Mommy did something bad. Then later he asked me if I was good to Daddy if he would come home. I only reassured him that Daddy loved him and there was nothing Mommy could do about Daddy being gone.

How was I supposed to answer that? You can't exactly explain something as complicated as an emotional affair to a 5 year old. Yeah, I lied to him. I'm innocent in all this, but I won't have him hatin Ray.

Day 4, endnote:
I finally admitted that Ray is my drug and I am addicted and that I can't handle not being able to get high off him. I otld himthis because I was trying to explain how I couldn't keep seeinghima nd not touching him or kissing him or holding him. He looked a little sad. Which made it worse in a way, cause I didn't want him to be sad.

I miss him so much. He says he's making progress with his therapist at work. She thinks a lot like I do, but uses less discretion and just says what she's thinking. he says he's getting through the things in his head. He's coming around to where he needs to be, I guess. I just miss him.

Back tomorrow with Day 5.

The Love Dare: Day 3, repeat 2

Had a weird dream this morning. Could be based on my emotions, could be based on the truth. Don't know yet. Anyhooligans, have to be out and about with Ray today cause I am still dependent and non-driver like that.

Having a contacts exam done today. I'm excited! Then have to go to London for some boots and then somewhere to buy birthday stuff for Bear. Then Have to pick Bear up at his bu stop and then off to grocery shop. It's going to be a long day.

You know why it's going to be a long day? Because I have to practice patience and being slow to anger and quick to listen. I have no where to hide because most of the day I'll be in the car with him. I don't know how much of a succes even part of this day is going to be.

More later.

Day 3, repeat2, evening:
Told you it would be painful! God, it so hard to stay quiet for that long! He's gone for now. Went to his dad's, he'll be back in an hour. Still no success on Day3 challenge. I'm gonna have to repeat this tomorrow.

Got my contacts. They're a little annoying, but they're okay. Got my boots too. Still breaking these suckers in.

You know what's the hardest? Not tellin' him I love him, not holdin' him, not kissin' him. Not anything him. Daniel's advice to me was not to cut myself off from the relationship because it would cause more damage, but I cant do this. I can't bear to see him everyday if I can't touch him. And he's the one cutting me off. Completely. Like I'm acid on his skin, poison on his lips. Oh, how desperately I need hugged right now!

Hold me up, ya'll, I need it. More later. :-(

Day 3, repeat 2, endnote:
Yeah, not a success, but we already knew that didn't we? So, off he goes back to his dad's. I'm more like his baby mamma. I'm sorry to say this, but I have to cut myslef off from the relationship. Ihave no choice.

My resolve is not to see him for the rest of the week. Of course, he has to come tuck the kids in, but other than that, nada. Not gonna teach him anything, he'll like it. But it will strengthen me. And for those of you who have ever been addicted to someone, you know exactly what I mean.

Hey, looks like I just completed Day 3 challenge! HA! Take that Love Dare! I guess this means no emails either. Gonna be spendin a lot of time on Pogo. I just called him and told him, first he sounded awed like upset and then he was perturbed. Booyah! He's got all the time in the world to himself. The very thing he always wanted and I just gave it to him!

Okay, so I'm off to see what Day 4 challenge is and then I'm gonna play around online and then go to bed. Be back tomorrow!

The Love Dare: Day 3 repeat

Went to church this morning. Got abit of counseling from my assistant pastor. He's a good guy. he recommends a marriage counselor. He can't volunteer for the job because I have already confided in him. So now I have to see if Ray wants to see one. I can tell you now that he answer will be no. I know him.

But I'm looking for this situation to change. I suppose I've found a new fire put up under my little arse. It's a process. Daniel (my AP_ helped me find some scriptures and made me write them down so I would have them on hand when I needed them. No, not so I could throw them at Ray either. But so that when I feel like giving up, I have something to look to, something to pray about.

There's still no sunshine. But sometimes I guess we need a refreshing rain to wash us clean --quite thoroughly, too, it seems to me. I'm layin down for my Sunday nap. Don't know if I'll see much of Ray today, other than before I leave --he volunteered to watch the kids while I attend the night service--, but I'll be back later with more.

I will parise You in this storm
I will lift my hands
You are who You are
no matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You've never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm.

Day 3 repeat endnote:
Tonight's service was eye opening. Each monthe we have a particular ministyr create a service based round their ministyr. Tonight's service was run by the drama team. They did two music skits: one to Go Light Your World and one to Testify to Love. Testify to Love got me.

I realized what my purpose in all this is. I realized a lot of things. Things I can't share here--yet. Things that are just more of a testimony to me about God's love for me and His purpose for me. I know that the hell I'm going through now is just part of my testimony. It will bring hope to others in situations like mine, it will bring strength to those around me. I just have to hold on. If I let go now, everything will fall apart.

So pray that God will give me strength and understanding, but most of all peace. Let my life--my marriage--be a testimony of love.

For as long as I shall live,
I will testify to love.
I'll be a witness in the silences
When words are not enough.
With every breath I take,
I will give thanks to God above.
For as long as I shall live,
I will testify to love.

The Love Dare: Day 3

Love is not selfish.

Really? That sorta had me at a duh until I read the challenge. "To show your spouse that you are thinking of them buy something for them." Easy peasy! Flowers!

NOT!!!!

He says it's weird to send a guy flowers and that he would royally pissed if he recieved them out of the blue. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Go ahead google 'gift ideas', 'edible gifts', 'same day delivery gifts'. I dare you. See what you found? FLOWERS! Yeah, there's Vermont Teddy Bears ($70), Edible Arrangements ($54), and cookie baskets ($60), but those don't say anything about how I feel.

I was on the phone with my bestie--while I was trying to find something other than flowers--and she had the most ingenious idea: make him a cool picture. Which is awesome!

For those of you who don't know me, I am a semi-graphic artist. I can't use photoshop, but I have a program called DAZ3D(<--- click it). It makes people--in a sense. Anyway fairies are my thing and dragons are his. I feel a cool fanatsy pic comin on!

So far, day three is looking up. So far. Be back later with more.

Day 3 midday:
Not up anymore. He told me he didn't want me to give him anything because it just distracted him from trying to think. So no work is being done on any picture. I'm just going to watcha movie and take a nap and then do dishes or something. Day 3 will not be a successful challenge. I will have to repeat it tomorrow.

Day 3 evening:
I give up. Not on the dare, just on him. I give up. I'll let the pieces fall where they may. I feel so alone in all of this. There's no one to turn to, ther's nothing to say. I feel like one of those special cases on House where I have some reare desease and they can't find a cure for it. Excpet by the end of this episode, let's face it people, this patient dies. This heart has stopped beating.

Day 3 endnote:
CAUGHT! I was caught doing th Love Dare (it sounds so dirty, lol). He only read the first day and hopefully he forgets to come back here. So I explained about the whole flowers thing and about how I actually had to complete the challenge in some way, shape, or form. He said oh. Thanks! Really! Don't know how succesful I will be in completing this challenge at all, but I will have to at some point.

So Day 3 is not a succes, nor did it end on a high note. I'm just as confused about where all this is going as ever. I don't like being in limbo.

See ya'll tomorrow.

The Love Dare: Day 2

Love is kind.

That is today's lesson. The challenge is to do an unexpected gesture as a random act of kindness. I tried that yesterday and was shot down for it. So, my RAK for today is silince. He won't expect me to be silent or patient or to listen without talking.

He's staying with his dad, across the street. But he feels a million miles away to me. I haven't slept next to him in 2 nights (tonight will make three) and already I feel alone and abandoned. He only lets me hug him before he leaves to go back to his dad's house. Other than that, I'm not allowed to sit next to him or get near him. He only emails me while he is at work. If I want to hear his voice I have to wait til his break or I have to wait til he's leaving work so I can call him. I only caused part of the damage, but I'm being brute force punished. Eventually, I will have to stop seeing him and stop talking to him. It only makes the pain in my chest worse.

So the beginning of day 2 is not off to a good start. Chances are it won't end well either. More later.

Day 2 endnote:
Success! Well, sorta. My RAK from yesterday was appreciated and he said thank you. Hes' sort of seeing a therapist, too. She works in the same place his does but she holds a degree in sociology which means she had to take a lot of psychology. So he's been talking to her. Today his voice was lighter, like it usually is. We're still in the southbound lane, but the car is no longer flyin, it's slowin down little by little. I am amazed with me. And if you know me, you wold be amazed too.

More tomorrow.

The Love Dare begins: Day 1

Have any of you seen the movie Fireproof? If not, I recommend you rent it. In the movie there is abook called The Love Dare (real thing, I swear, i ordered it) which ask one spouse in the relationship to take 40 days to take the dare. Sounds simple.

NOT!

The first lesson is Patience. Love is patient, love is kind. You know how it goes, so I won't quote it all. Anyhooligans, it made some valid points. That sometimes when we're (I'm) angry we (I) do things to hurt other people (my spouse). Yes, I felt like a child who had been caught sneaking cookies to my room. Oh, the guilt!

So far, so good. He (my spouse) hasn't called on any of his breaks, so I haven't had the chance to actually speak to him. But we have sent each other a few emails back and forth, and I've just kept it light. Have a good day, have a good lunch break, see you when you pick up the boy (our 5 year old son) for school. Basic non threatening chit chat.

Marriage, for us, has flown southbound. he's not happy with me, and I can't blame him. I'm vicious and vindictive and rude and not nice all around. I deserve this (to an extent, there was an error on his side that kicked this rock over the ledge, but we aren't discussing that, now are we?) to say the least, it's been four years since we split up the first time and I don't seem to have changed. I didn't learn to trust him, I didn't learn to let him be and stay out of his business, I just didn't learn anything (it's much easier to say that than to write the whole list out).

So, I'm going to try this love dare thing. The full forty days. And if it still stays in the southbound lane. . .well, I won't know til I get there. I'll be back later to tell you how it goes.

Endnote for day 1:
I was patient but it wasn't easy. I listened to him while he talked. I actually listened. And I heard things that broke my heart. He's been unhappy for the last couple of years--in and out of happiness. Some of it to do with me, most of it to do with him. He misses the simplicity of our marriage, the communication, and feels that I use him as a mealticket. I find those things to be true. I do that. I apologized.

Don't go thinkin the night ended on a good note. I completed my challenge. But that was it. It's still in the southbound lane. I know that I don't ever want to love again. The pain is truly not worth it.

As far as what Zac Hanson would do: he married the right person in the first place.