Love is not irritable.
Todays' challenge: make a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life. Well, I made this list privately in this actual book (got it yesterday), so I'm not going to post it here. I know the majority of the areas that I have probelms with.
One of those happens to be a very intimate part of myrelationship. I held it as a bargaining chip, as something he had to earn. I realized last night that that was extremely wrong. This oneness between wife and husband is not a reward system, it's a rejeuvenation for the soul. I withheld that from him for so long.
I attempted to fix that in the wee hours of this morning. And though he left a very satisfied customer, something got to him after he got to work and now he feels that it was merely a distraction.
I am hurt. I finally let down a wall, a wall that I've had up since I was a child, and only to have him walk in, take what he wants and then tell me he doesn't want it anymore. Where do I go with this one? How do I not take offense to a part of me that is so vulnerable?
God, help me to understand my position in all this. help to get through this day without giving up on the other days. Help me not to tear down what you have so lovingly built in me and for me. be with him (Ray) today as he works through his distractions.
Day 6, midday:
I'm going to ignore that fact that he (Ray) is purposefully trying to hurt me today. If he thinks I am going to retalliate, he's got another thing coming. Pay attention when I say that the old Patty--the vindictive, rude, unappealing, vicious, girl--is dead. A new woman is standing in her place. A woman ready and willing to love, even if she's not loved back.
Got the WOW Worship playin on the PS3. Gonna spend the day just listening to it and crochetin'. I refuse to fight on his level. I can't change him and that's fine. This ain't about him, it's about me. Me and me getting closer to God.
Day 6, evening:
Got some bad news from up north in the Natti. Hope all goes well with that. Had to battle some demons today. Mainly depression, but I'll win over it. Gotta find something to make for dinner. I'm still fasting so it's gonna be hard not to sample or east my own wonderful food!
Done a lot of prayin today. Will do more before he night's out. This much I am sure of.
Day 6, endnote:
Did something extremely stupid! I gave in! I gave in to the frustration, I gave in to the angst, the anxiety, and I let it all come flooding out. On him, of all people! Stupid, stupid, stupid! I calmed down an apologized. And I asked him if we could just go down the road to fixing this mess together. He said we could.
No, he's not home--yet. As I said before, it is a process. A very slow process that takes time. But at least I know that we are working towards the same goal: us.
Still raining here in my world, but as always, I have hope for a better forecast.
More tomorrow with Day 7.
Here's where I muse, I knit, I crochet, I quilt, I rant, I rave, I carry on about the world in general. My patterns and notes on patterns will appear on Knit Knack Patty Shack.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Love is not irritable.